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I Am Inanna

By: Elisha Marie Kayne

Copyright 2011

Chapter 0

Where was I? A thick blanket of darkness surrounded me, closed in so tight I couldn’t breathe. My memory escaped and I struggled to remember anything. Who am I? Where did I come from? The harder I tried to hold onto myself, the further I slipped into a universe unaware of consciousness. My mind slipped into oblivion, until a voice sounded. Barely audible, it crept into the dark and my eyes, assuming I had them, began searching for its source.

“I am Inanna.”

“Whose there?”

I asked this question repeatedly and considered that my voice did not exist if there were no ears to hear my cries.

“I am Inanna.”

This time the sound vibrated from inside, like a spirit possessing me. My lips moved surreally. I was an ignorant observer trying to get a sense of my surroundings with no senses at all, like a newborn baby scared of it’s first cry. Slowly, the fog began to lift and the sound sprang wildly from my lips.

“I am Inanna.”

A faint light spread from the center and pictures formed, images so insignificant they were only grey shadows against obscurity. An infinite stretch of the unknown laid before me until suddenly it moved, retracting back violently. Anger seared it’s way through me, propelled me forward onto legs I didn’t know I had. I ran, hoping that at some point I would reach the edge of the desolate landscape and be shown my place in the dark world. My feet abruptly stopped and the light grew a degree brighter, showing the path in front of me. I stood at the edge of a cliff, one foot hanging off it’s edge, one step away from falling onto the ground several feet below. Panic set in, and I prayed for the voice to come back. For someone, anyone to tell me what came next.

The light blinded me. The heat from it’s blaze singed my flesh, burnt my soul. I opened my eyes only to find brilliant white and fell to my knees in submission and fear, what had I done?

“Wake up.”

Her voice echoed from the hallway, thundering off the walls. I pretended not to hear her, deciding instead to keep myself in hibernation, hiding myself in a fabric fort of rayon pillows and Egyptian cotton. She swiftly invaded anyways, undeterred by my defenses and jumped on my mattress. It never ceased to amaze me how the body of an eight year old could cause such a catastrophe. I was no match for her. This battle would be lost.

“Mom says you have to get up,” she said, “you’re alarms been goin’ off for like an hour. No more snooze.”

“Go away,”

“No more snooze, no more snooze, no…more…snooze.”

With every cry she jumped higher and higher, until the final snooze ended with the crash of her butt in my stomach and her feet in my nose.

“Oh my god,” I screamed, “freaking get off me. What is wrong with you.”

“Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

“Shut up.”

I sat up and threw my pillow at her, but she was already halfway down the hallway, skipping in a triumphant parade, singing, “no more snooze, no more snooze, no…more…snooze.”

I collapsed back onto the mattress and threw my hands over my face attempting to rub the dream out of my brain. She was right, I had woken up on the wrong side. Images of my dream still lived vividly in my mind. Now here I was, bathed in this alternate reality. I would have rather braved the unknown then get ready for another day of school. At least the dream was exciting.

My closet was barren except for a ratty old t-shirt, a prom dress and a skimpy black miniskirt. Great, I said to myself letting my eyes wonder over to the corner basket, piled high with the load of laundry I was supposed to do last night. Sleep had felt more appealing at the time, now I was sorry.

I grabbed the mini skirt and a pink shirt from the top of the hamper and sprayed it down with a healthy dose of citrus perfume. When the mist faded and the choking stopped, I took a swift glance at myself in the mirror. The makeup would have to stay in the dresser this morning. I hated going to school without two layers of foundation, bronze powder and thick mascara. Without them I looked like a ghost, a pale apparition walking the hallways. My mom always said she envied my porcelain skin. I hated it. The only thing keeping me from complete invisibility was the scattered freckles. My bright red hair however, made sure that people noticed I was there. And right now, the tumble of unkempt curls made me look like Medusa. At least everyone who saw me would immediately turn to stone, keeping them from telling anyone else how bad I looked. I bound my wild hair with a ponytail holder and said a silent prayer before stepping out of the safety of my room. Another day braving the world. If the morning was any reflection of the day to come, I would need all the courage I had within me.

As if to confirm my predictions, my mother's disapproving eyes stared me down as I stepped into the black suburban.

"Flip flops and a mini skirt…Jesus Julie, you can't wear that to school."

"I didn't have any time, this was the only thing in my closet."

"It wouldn't have been if you had done laundry last night like I told you. I swear. Do you ever listen to anything I ask you to do?"

"Mom, can you please spare me the lecture this morning, I'm not exactly off to a good start here. I’ll do the laundry when I get home.”

"Teenagers," she said.

I hated it when she did that. It was my mother's new favorite word. She always said it with a sigh while she rolled her eyes, as if that one word explained everything about me. It always struck me as odd that she only used it in a negative connotation, like nothing good can come from someone between the ages of thirteen and nineteen. I would love to hear her exclaim "Teenagers" when I brought home A+ on my report card, or when I was accepted into Yale's pre-law program. But no, what did I hear then? "See, our hard work has finally paid off." Our hard work, not mine. Sometimes she drove me completely insane. My mom reminded me of a cross between Betty Crocker and a Brazilian fashion model. She was Indian, from a reservation in Arizona, though for whatever reason she was ashamed of it. She cut her long dark hair into a short, perfectly plastered swing bob with blonde highlights. As a judge, she felt prestigious, and therefore had to look and act a certain way, like her life was a TV show and she had the starring role. She went to church every Sunday, the school board meetings every third Wednesday of the month, and got Botox injections once every three months. To me she was transparent, mostly because I knew her before the suburbs. Now she was always quick to brag about her titles, her trophies, my grades, but she never mentioned the food stamps. Ten years ago we felt like millionaires, we would fill our cart with my favorite cereal, steak and fresh vegetables. Then we would come home and make a gourmet meal. For that one day we would feel like kings, or at least I would.

She never told people about the gallon jug we used to keep on the counter full of quarters to take to the laundry matt. Or the old woman who owned the dollar store next door. The one who would give me a free candy bar when I bought my snacks because I was “sweet as sugar”. I loved sitting down on the hard plastic chairs, watching Disney movies on their small TV, glancing up every once in a while to see a smile on mom’s lips as she folded the sheets. Back then I worshipped my mother. To me she was an exotic goddess. I loved the way her waist length hair blew magically in the wind, the way she would laugh uncontrollably on the merry go round at the park. But that life didn’t last long. Then she had been a public defendant just out of law school, taking hard cases for little pay. She was a single mom living on a meager salary and even I could tell we were struggling to survive. But, she really tried to enjoy the times she had with me, and I never knew how poor we really were.

It was at this time that mom met Jane’s dad, a roughneck who worked on oil rigs somewhere on the other side of the country. He was never home, but he made good money and sent us checks in the mail to help pay the bills. Until she got pregnant with my sister, then he refused to believe he was the Dad. We never heard from him again. Now mom taught Jane and I to never trust anyone. We were on our own. It was survival of the fittest. We had to be smart, strong and determined - never let anyone see our weaknesses. That of course is when others come to pounce on you, when they know your faults. It’s best to pretend like you don’t have any at all.

She pulled up to the sidewalk and let me out. As I walked to the front doors she screamed through the half rolled down window.

“Almost forgot. I’ll be working late tonight. Jane’s riding home with a friend and Dan will pick you up this afternoon.”

Great, I thought, rolling my eyes. She would never fall in love with another man, but that didn’t keep her from taking advantage of them. They were trophies, someone to show off to her friends, to pay for her dinner and pick up her dry cleaning. I guess my sister and I were being added to the list of chores. Sometimes the men were descent, funny or liked to take us all for family outings to the ballpark or the beach. Dan wasn’t one of those guys. He was condescending at best, and was threatened by my mothers intelligence. So, he treated me like I had half a brain to make up for getting bullied around by her. For someone who doesn't like men, my mom sure didn't hesitate to put them before me.

Mrs. Springston stood next to her desk collecting papers as payment for passage into her room. Panic set in as I remembered everything sitting on my desk at home. Mumbled words escaped my lips as I pointlessly searched my bare backpack, hoping an act of God would save me. When she saw it empty, she stared at me.

"Just get in your seat," she said.

"I'm sorry. I promise I did it last night. My alarm didn't wake me up this morning and I forgot to grab it. I can bring it to you first thing in the morning."

"You have until five o clock to turn it in or you‘ll take a zero. Do you think the professor's at Yale will accept late work?"

My face burned with anger. Four hours of my night had been spent on that essay. I would have to find some way to rewrite it after school. Was the entire world conspiring against me?

"Today we’ll be studying Plato's Allegory of the Cave. Get out your text books, and turn to page 211. You have twenty minutes to read it. Take notes if necessary. You may need them."

I could feel the burn creep into my cheeks again. I knew without looking that I didn’t have it with me. Reluctantly, I raised my hand.

She knew my question.

“Share with Justin.”

She was punishing me. He didn’t hesitate to scoot his desk against mine. I made sure to push my chair as far away as possible. He smiled. His eyes wandered, lingering too long at my mini skirt. Suddenly, I felt completely exposed. I knew I should have done that damn laundry.

“You should dress like that more often.”

“And you should keep your eyes on the book.”

He smiled again, “I don’t know if I can concentrate.”

“I don’t care if you read it, but at least be quite so I can.”

“Fine, I’ll leave you alone if you come to my party tomorrow night.”

“Okay, deal.”

Justin may have purposely irritated me for most of my senior year, but it was hard to say no, especially when he looked at me like that. It took a few seconds for me to calm down enough to focus.

'...and now look again and see what will naturally follow if the prisoners are released and disabused of their error. At first, when any of them is berated and compelled suddenly to stand up and turn his neck round and walk and look towards the light, he will suffer sharp pains... and he will be unable to see the realities of which in his former state he had seen the shadows... that what he saw before was an illusion...'

The words sobered me quickly. I read every word slowly so I could completely absorb their meaning, taking each sentence as if it were scripture, a sign from God that some important clue lie hidden within the archaic text. The story wrapped around my mind like something familiar. Immediately I felt transplanted there. I was chained to the wall of the cave with firelight illuminating my small world. Shadows moved on the stones in front of me. That was all I knew of the poor souls imprisoned with me. What would it be like to suddenly break free from the shackles, stagger my way toward the exit and discover that an entire world existed beyond what I had known. The intensity of it overwhelmed me, as did the similarities to my dream. I too had stood at the edge of the world, enveloped in darkness. When I was given light to see what was ahead, the brightness and the pain had been unbearable. Shivers ran up my spine as the details of the vision flooded back.

“Alright, it seems everyone is finished. Move your desks into a circle.”

The class groaned.

“I could assign worksheets for the rest of class if you would like that better.”

Immediately everyone got out of their seats. Chaos ensued with clanging of desks. Small conversations ignited all around the room until Mrs. Springston extinguished them with another threat. When peace finally fell over the room again, she went to the board.

"In ancient Greek academies, the teacher's believed that class should be a discussion where everyone gets to participate. Rather than being told what to believe, Socrates would ask his pupils questions, and they would debate and discuss the answers amongst themselves. Today, I will play the role of Socrates, and you are all potential Plato's, philosophers of our time. We are all equal, which is why we sit in a circle. No person is above another, and there are no stupid answers. However, because you guys didn't want to stop talking, we only have time for one question."

If you were the prisoner who escaped the illusions of the cave and saw the truth, what would you do with the knowledge?

Mrs. Springston sat in her seat with her head bowed, not saying a word. The room was still. Some students thumbed through the pages of the book looking for the answer. A few of them had taken notes and were looking for the answer as if it could be found there. After a few minutes of patiently waiting, I couldn't hold it in anymore.

"I would go back in the cave, put the chain around my ankle and pretend like it had all been a dream."

"Why," came a voice. “You would be their savior. Why let them live such a crappy life in a dark cave when they could see the whole world."

"Because, it would be too much truth all at once. If the sun caused him so much pain, imagine his shock when it rains for the first time, or if he sees a wild animal in the forest. You are basing your answers on the fact that you already know the world exists. He is ignorant, he doesn't even know what his own face looks like. We couldn't imagine how scary the world would be to him. Everyone sitting in that cave may be chained up, but it’s safe. Sometimes ignorance is bliss."

Soon the classroom erupted in debate and Mrs. Springston sat with a satisfied smile. The bell soon disrupted our Socratic academy. There was more clamoring as Mrs. Springston asked us to neatly arrange the desks back into rows before we left. I watched as she crept her way up to the front of the classroom, demanding homework from the next line of students. Once again, she put herself in a dominant role when she had declared her equality to us moments ago. Could it be that she was lying and thought herself superior the entire time. Or, was she forced to revert back to the cave, made to teach the only way the system allowed. We had all assumed we would have a choice in handling our discovery. In our world, knowing the truth was never a guarantee you would be able to share it with anyone. At that moment, Mrs. Springston looked over and smiled at me, as if we shared a secret.

"Don't forget to turn that essay in before the end of the day if you want to pass this six weeks," she said as I left the room.

My hands fell down to my sides in defeat. Who really knew what she was thinking. I turned toward the hall, bracing myself for what awaited me, two hours of running laps in a short skirt and flip flops.

When the last bell of the day rang we were released from our cells. The noises blended together into an incoherent mess that not even the best cryptographers could decode. There were teenage girls screaming over the latest gossip, cat calls coming from the senior boys and the constant ring of cell phones and text message alerts. It was next to impossible to hear anything, but for some reason it was this time of day when I felt the most at peace. For some reason, everyone else was so busy doing their own thing, that they didn't notice me at all.

It took all the will power I had to walk past the theater where my fellow student council members were waiting. There would be no flirting with Justin, no chips and soda. No talk of pep rallies and fundraisers. Instead, I kept walking with my head down toward Mrs. Springston’s room, hoping that I would have enough time to finish the essay before she went home for the day.

"Ah, you decided to show. There may be hope for you yet."

"Well, it took me four hours to write this essay last night. But, I've been thinking about it all day, and I think the point I'll make is better than what I wrote before."

“Don’t get too excited. I changed the prompt.”

“What?”

“You don’t think it would be fair, do you. No one else got a whole day to think about their topic.”

“Besides. I was very interested in what you said today, your answer was unexpected. I want you to expand on your thoughts. Write me an essay based on the question I asked you all this morning."

I took in a deep breathe and glanced up at the clock before putting pen to paper. An hour and six minutes. I could do this. Essay writing was a talent of mine. Others were good at football or volleyball. This was my sport. For a few seconds, I let my mind wonder back to the place it was when I first read the passage in class, and it wasn’t long before the scene was recreated.

I saw myself as the prisoner, felt the heat of the fire burning behind me. Something pulled my ankle and tugged at my wrists. I screamed in pain at the sting of my skin as a glorious savior lifted me out of my shackles. My head turned, unsure. My hand lunged forward to feel the person beside me, to connect somehow with my new discovery. My shackled companion had never felt this before and recoiled in fear. On the other side of the wall was a small pinhole of light. Considering I had never seen light before, except for the ember glow from the fire, I was frightened but curious. I moved quickly through the darkness. The pinhole expanded further and further until I rushed through the entrance of the cave without any thought or protection. The brilliancy of the light immediately sent searing pain through my eyes. Instincts forced my eyes closed and I tried to mimic the darkness by burying my head between my newly discovered knees.

Slowly, the headache went away, my eyes adjusted, and what they found was beyond any expectation my heart and soul could ever long for. My first instinct was to run into the cave and free the others. Then, I thought about it. The pain would force them back inside before they saw the world. No one would trust me a second time.

It was then that I realized Plato's true intentions.

"Here you go Mrs. Springston.”

"A four page essay finished in forty five minutes. I'm proud of you. I appreciate you giving the effort. Next time though, try and have it ready when it's due. I don't mean to be a jerk but I expect the professors at Yale will be much worse.”

“I know, but I try really hard, and on the one day I screw everything up it doesn‘t seem fair to get thrown to the wolves."

"Believe it or not Julie, everyone feels like that. Welcome to adulthood."

Technically, I had enough time to make the last few minutes of student council, but the day had been exhausting and all I could think of was sitting down for a few minutes without worrying. All I could think about was getting home and crawling under my covers. Thank God it was Friday, I wasn’t sure if I could do it all again tomorrow. The flagpole was the worst place to be as a senior. Every day I grew more bitter as I watched the other cars leaving the parking lot, some of them driven by people a year younger than me. Usually, I tried to get a ride from a friend, or made my mom pick me up around the back of the school, but today I had to wait for Dan and expose myself as the loser I really was. At least the other students had good reasons for not having a car. Maybe they were grounded, or their parents were poor, or they didn’t have their license yet. I made a perfect score on my driving test, and there was a white BMW waiting in the garage for me. But, my mom refused to give it to me until college. It had been great motivation to get me into Yale, but now I was just getting impatient. I had to follow through with my commitment. She drove me crazy.

The sun worked it’s way further down the horizon. The parking lot emptied. Even the teachers had gone home. For a while I let myself fantasize about Justin’s party, about how gorgeous I would look in my organza dress, how good it would feel to finally make out with him. Still, even those thoughts soon lost interest. Where was Dan? My hand reached around in my backpack for my cell phone until I remembered it was sitting in my room with everything else. Of course, I had thought the day couldn’t get any worse. I should have known better.

The sun set completely, leaving only a faint orange glow of clouds and lamplight. The first stars were shining in the sky. It seemed the only way to get home was by my own two feet. I stood up and started walking down the street, my anger growing stronger with every step.

"Where the hell have you been?" she said.

Unbelievable. I walked five miles in the dark for this.

"Dan forgot to pick me up. It took me over an hour just to walk home."

"Don't give me any of your bullshit stories young lady. Dan was there to pick you up at exactly 5:00. I have the text message to prove it. He waited for almost an hour and you never even showed up. How dare you treat him like this after all he's done to help you."

"Excuse me, but I waited at the flagpole for over two hours and Dan was nowhere to be found."

“I don’t believe you. When Dan said you weren’t at school I called the student council teacher. You didn’t go to your meeting. So, do you want to tell me the truth?”

“I left all my homework in my room and then when I got to…”

“Stop, I’m sure you have a million excuses but I don’t feel like listening to any of them tonight. Go to your room.”

“You’re pathetic, taking his word over mine. I’m your daughter, he’s just some guy you keep around so you have a free assistant. Cheaper to pay ‘em with sex right?”

That's when I felt the sting. Her hand came swinging towards my left cheek. I knew she was going to slap me, and I didn't move out of the way. Part of me wanted the physical pain to match the emotional, but it couldn't even compare. It just made me despise her that much more. Two empty bottles of wine sat on the counter. Of course, he probably forgot he was supposed to pick me up, made up a ridiculous story about how I wasn't there, and because I left my cell phone at home, there was no way I could prove I was waiting for him. But, I knew. It made me sick to look at her. I ran to my room, locked the door and hid underneath my covers.

Memories of the day kept creeping into my mind. Despite my exhaustion, it was hard to fall asleep. Normally I would feel guilty by now and want to go apologize. Not this time. Something had changed. It was like she wasn't the same person anymore. She didn't have a real identity. Soon, giggles and soft whispers found their way through the wall, and no matter how hard I tried, the noises wouldn’t go away. The anger that slowly built through the day now pulsed inside me, and the more I heard them groaning and banging against the wall, the more I wanted to run into their bedroom and throw them out of the window. I couldn't take it anymore. I lost control and became a witness to the things my body was doing on it’s own free will.

I grabbed my backpack, filled it with my savings jar, my party dress, jeans and a few shirts and jumped out of the window. I ran down the street, unable to stop myself. It took two blocks before I even realized what I had just done. For the first time in my life I felt free, like I could go anywhere, do anything, be anything. I didn't have to be a lawyer. I didn't have to be a straight A student or my mom’s trophy. My eyes shot towards the heavens and I said a silent prayer as the starlight filled my heart with joy. Suddenly, the world felt so much larger than it had been earlier that day. The sky was limitless, all I had to do was keep climbing. Nobody could stop me now.

"Ruff, ruff, ruff," I heard a dog yelping. From where I was standing I couldn't see where it was coming from, or how big the dog was. I just knew the sound was coming closer. I didn't want him to wake up the neighbors. They would have me back in my bed in less than an hour. I started running again, decided this time to run into the woods by the creek instead of staying on the street. It would be much harder to find me there. I turned my head right and disappeared into the brush, laughing when I saw the small Shitzu puppy running back down the street.

Chapter 1

The forest was a different place at night. My mind played tricks on me. It didn’t take long before I was fighting off invisible tarantulas every time I got an itch. Rumbling shook the ground and light split the sky. I should have expected rain, that was always my luck. Though I knew it was stupid, my mind couldn’t make my feet stop walking. I just kept going further and further into the woods, dreaming about the party and thinking about the direction my new life might lead. I still planned on going to school in the fall, no reason to throw my whole life away to spite my mother. But, there was no reason why I had to live at home. In that moment it dawned on me that my birthday had been months back. I was eighteen and could live wherever I wanted.

An animal walked around on the dead leaves and pine needles, growling faintly. Part of me knew it was paranoia.

“Just a rabbit,” I said.

Lightning cracked against the sky. I walked faster, feeling stupid considering there was no destination. The lightning struck again, this time showing the shadow of a man between the trees less than a yard away. Now I was scared. Panic set in. My feet took off, running as fast as I could through the mud and slick leaves. Sometimes homeless men liked to hide in the forest, a quiet place to stay where they wouldn’t be disturbed. I hoped he was one of those guys. Sharp thorns cut through my jeans, but it was hard to feel the pain through all the adrenaline. I prayed for more lightening so I could see if he was still following me. Of course now that I was asking for it, nothing happened.

Soon out of breathe, I ran into a clearing, happy to find a full moon overhead. It seemed I wouldn’t need lightening after all. I was panting heavily, turning in circles hoping to find nothing. No one, thank God. A sigh of relief came too soon, followed by another lightning strike. Heat rose from the ground, and a flash of light burned my eyes. I jumped back and could feel my heart beat strong against my chest. A fiery limb fell to the ground on the other side of the meadow.

Laughter came from the forest. He wasn’t gone after all.

I wasn’t going to be one of those ditzy girls in slasher flicks, running through the woods, doomed to die after tripping on a log. Though I was nervous, I was also tired, cranky and fed up. The freedom I felt was exhilarating, as was the rush of hormones pounding through my bloodstream. My hair stood on edge and the fire from the branch brightened the clearing.

“Who are you and why are you following me?”

"Julie, Julie, Julie. Why are you acting like such a fool?"

"How do you know my name.”

"Nature is nothing to be afraid of. That's the problem with humans. You throw away God‘s gifts for cheap substitutes."

“Excuse me.”

"For instance, right now all you can think about is getting out of this rain. You would give anything for a warm house and a shower. Don't you see, that's what you're getting here. God gave you fire only a few feet away to make you warm. The rainwater will rejuvenate you, bring you back to life. But, you just want to run away from it all."

"Who are you?”

"That is of no importance. The question is, who are you Julie McCairrill?"

"Obviously, you already know who I am."

"I have watched over you for a very long time, but what matters is that you know yourself. You need to know the destiny of our people is in the palm of your hand."

The rain stopped and the night became still. Fire blazed on from the branch, the wet grass keeping it from spreading. The strange man walked towards it, beckoning for me to follow. I don't know why I was listening to him. He could be biding his time before he cut me into a thousand little pieces.

We sat closer to the fire and I finally got a good look at him. Long hair fell slightly past his shoulders in blond waves. His eyes were emerald green, the same shade as his jacket. It's stiff high collar made him look regal and the detailed Celtic embroidery looked hand stitched. He was right out of a cheesy Highland romance novel. I was starting to wonder if I hit my head really hard. Maybe all this was just a strange dream, a hallucination. A large hawk flew around us and landed directly on Prince Charming’s leather-bound forearm.

"You don't mind if he joins us do you?" he said.

“Friend of yours?”

“Since the beginning of your world he's been my best friend. He’s the reason I knew where you would be."

I stared at him, completely dumbfounded.

"Are you thirsty?" he asked, holding up a big leather flask.

"Is it poisoned?" I asked.

"You have no reason to distrust me. I'll drink it first if that makes you feel better."

He tilted his head back and swallowed. His hawk took the flask by the straps and sat it gently on the grass beside me.

"I think he likes me.”

"Good thing, you wouldn't want him as your enemy."

Something made me trust him. I opened the flask and let the liquid drain down my throat in gulps. I drank half the bottle before I realized it was wine.

"You know it's against the law to give a minor alcohol.”

"Ha…yes. The laws of your people stopped making sense a thousand years ago. It's acceptable to destroy entire cities with atomic weapons but a woman of child bearing age can't have a sip of wine?"

"Where are you from?" I asked. It was obvious he wasn't from Texas.

"I was born at the end of the last world and survived it's destruction. Since then, I have lived between the realms waiting around for this moment right here."

"I don't understand.”

"You will…in time."

"What do you mean destruction of the last world?”

"There are far too many questions and answers left to be discussed. First you must begin your journey. I am here to explain only one thing."

"What's that?" I asked impatiently.

"The world in which you live is an illusion. An institution created to escape the mundane world of the ever-existent. It is truly one large mind game we all play part in. This of course does not mean it should be dismissed as unimportant, because it is truly the only thing that matters. Without the world, without the physical, we have no purpose, no direction, everything is meaningless. Here, we can feel, hear, sing, learn, love. Unfortunately, some lose themselves completely in the lower consciousness. When they abandon their connection with rest of us, negative emotions develop. Fear…anger… hate. Sometimes the chess master sweeps the board clean, gives us a fresh start, a chance to remember where we came from and why we’re here. Your role in this is very important. Everything you need to succeed is within you. The Universe has given you a gift. You can walk between the worlds. Your body is here in the physical, but your soul connects with the spiritual realm, as my own people used to, before the deluge."

“You mean I’m psychic?”

"You are more than a psychic, Julie. You are a healer, a shaman, a goddess. You do not know what these things mean yet, but you will. For now, you must connect with the elements. Learn about the humble power of water, and how something so gentle can cut through a mountain or destroy the world. Fire is your element, the one you will come to understand the most. It is destructive and hard to control, but transforms and regenerates. The earth keeps the cycle alive, gives us a warm home like the womb of our mother and deserves respect. Air, motion and movement, it is our very breathe, what gives us life. Most of all, connect with the fifth element, that of spirit. This is the land of the Kachina's and the Fae, the Jinn and the Angels. By understanding spirit, you will see how all of the elements come together, separate and change to keep the Universe in balance. You have a great journey ahead of you. I know that you will succeed. I will send Finn here to keep an eye on you, just in case. In the meantime take this."

He held me close to him and kissed the top of my head as he placed a small object in my hand.

"This will remind you, goodbye."

Another flash of lightening cracked open the sky, and from it's wound poured down rain once again. Suddenly, I felt the cold creep back, and realized that I was no longer being held. He was gone. The fire was still burning, being hidden under heavy forest cover. For a moment, I stood in the clearing with my arms outstretched. I didn't run from the water, I bathed in it. The air was alive with electricity and the crisp breeze hit my face. The soil beneath my feet was being revitalized too, and I knew that if the rain helped this forest grow, then maybe it would help me grow as well.

I knelt down beside the fire and opened my hand. Inside laid a beautiful copper chain and a talisman. One side had two thick pieces of copper crossing over one another, splitting the circle into four sections. The arms reached over onto the other side of the pendant, twisting itself into a beautifully woven Celtic cross. One side was so full of detail the other incredibly basic, but I knew in my heart that they both represented the same thing. The elements. Although the metal work was awe inspiring, it paled in comparison to what it caged inside.

It shone like an emerald with the opacity of jade. Not a single vein ran through the stone. No cracks. No blemishes. It was perfect and almost as big as my hand. Worth a fortune I was sure. I put the copper chain around my neck, thankful that it hung below my neckline where I could hide it under my shirt.

For the next hour I sat next to the fire soaking in it's warmth. I felt different. More powerful. In tune with the world around me. For the first time in my life I felt important. There was something to accomplish. I had a destiny. It wasn't something my mom wanted for me, not what my teacher's said I had to become, but a purpose that existed in my soul. That was something nobody would ever take away from me. Still, there was a part of me that thought it was all a silly dream. That when I woke up in the woods, it would all go away. I would be back to boring, regular Julie.

When I woke up the next morning, the fire had died completely. All that remained of the once mighty oak branch, sat a pile of ash and embers. I thought it was ironic, how this ash would enrich the soil with nitrogen, and become the food that would help another oak tree grow mighty in it's place. The world was beginning to look like a far more interesting place to live. Then, I remembered the dream, and longed for it to be true. At least I hadn't forgotten it, the message still remained clear. I sat up, and almost immediately heard the loud sound of a bird, one that bellowed above the small chirps of the swallows and cardinals in the brush. My head lifted towards the clear sky and caught a glimpse of the biggest hawk I had ever seen. At least the biggest one I had seen since last night. He was watching over me. Suddenly, I remembered the talisman, and reached to my chest praying it would still be there. Sure enough, the copper beauty was just as solid as it had seemed in my dream. It had all been real.

Mud was caked in my hair, and all over my clothes. I had slept in the dirt next to a fire in the woods, and was sure I looked like a native girl, wild and untamed. I had to stay in the woods. I was afraid that my mom had police looking for me. I was still very close to my house, maybe a block away, and if anyone saw me walking the street like this, they would most surely call the cops. I also knew I had to wash off. No matter what, I was not going to miss Justin's party tonight.

I spent several minutes talking myself into what had to come next. A creek ran through the woods a few feet away from where I stood. The water was clear, fed from a nearby lake. I spent half of my childhood playing in it. The area seemed secluded, but I also knew how close the houses were to the creek. This was a busy city and I could hear traffic from the highway. Children were always playing in the woods, and homeless people called this creek their home. I finally decided to quit thinking about it. It was time to take action. No more reluctant Julie. My heart raced as I took my clothes off. If I did this slow, then I wouldn’t do it at all. The water was colder than I expected because of the rain last night. The sun's rays beat down in the clear water around me and warmed my face. The birds chirped, and the water felt great as the current pulled the water quickly around me. For a minute, I waded ankle deep up and down the creek bed and let the sun dry me off. I had lost my sense of time and felt like this was a place that transcended it completely. Here, the world didn't determine what was acceptable. There were no rules, no mores no societal standards. It was my own sanctuary. I had left my party dress hanging on a tree branch, trying to let it dry in the sun. I walked up to the layered mass of ivory cotton and organza and slipped the gown on. It fit perfectly. I didn't bring shoes and so decided to go to the party barefoot. Obviously I had not been thinking clearly when I packed my bag to leave, not only did I forget my sandals but I didn't have a mirror or makeup. For the next two or three hours I walked around the woods this way, careful not to get dirty again. I had the best time of my life pretending to be an ancient Goddess, frolicking around in the forest like Artemis or Aphrodite. I was a wood nymph, enchanting travelers with siren songs, luring them to the realm of the fairy. With no one around to watch me, I was free to run and sing and dance.

Soon, the sky turned into a blaze of orange and purple. It would be dark soon. I made my way through the creek toward Justin's house a few blocks away. As I re-entered the world, a part of me wanted to run right back into the woods. There I could control my environment. My new home felt free and safe. Here, there were so many people. I wasn't even to the house yet, and I could see a line of cars piling up on the side of the street. No one could see me yet, I was at the edge of the woods, standing at the end of Justin's massive manicured backyard. His swimming pool was surrounded by Doric columns and the garden had been lined with heavy curtains, ivy and small white lights. It was magical. Of course, despite the sophisticated ambiance, the crowd was just what you would expect at a toga party. This was the entire purpose of the graduation party, to get drunk and act like frat boys and sorority girls.

When I stepped inside the house, the reaction was just as I had hoped for. Everyone gave me compliments. Everyone else just tied sheets around their bodies, but I had really worked on this dress. I wanted to look like I had stepped right out of a Grecian palace. The first thing I did was find a bathroom. I had no idea what I looked like. Something had changed. My skin was still fair, my features were the same and my hair was still fire engine red. Usually, though, these made me seem awkward and out of place. I never fit the mold of the way girls were supposed to look. When I saw myself in the mirror daily, it was the reflection of a girl who needed to lose a few pounds, get a suntan and invest in some blond highlights. Tonight, there was a glow I never knew existed. It was like a little scared girl had fallen asleep in the woods, and when I woke up I was a confident, beautiful woman. My curls laid in perfect tendrils, and my skin was a pretty cream color. My eyes matched the stone inside the pendant perfectly. The copper talisman almost seemed like it was glowing against the ivory backdrop of the dress. I looked like a movie star. I had never felt this way about myself. I held back tears, and smiled with a sincerity that had not existed in me for years. This was going to be the best night of my life, I could feel it in the air.

"Julie," came a voice.

My friend Courtney was walking to me from the living room.

“I almost thought you weren't going to show up. I tried calling your cell phone like twenty times. Then my mom gets this phone call that you've run away. You're mom said she knew you were coming to my house, that if she found out you were staying with us we’d be in trouble. She was really pissed off dude, what did you do?”

I had no idea how to answer her question so I stared at her in a daze. She kept rambling.

“Better yet, what are you going to do about money? You don’t have a job. Are you going to get an apartment?”

"I don't know what I'm going to do. All I know is right now, I'm a free woman and I'm going to have a good time. Can we stop talking about this now and go get something to drink?"

"What has gotten into you," she said.

"I don't know.”

"I don't know either, but I like it. I was wondering when you'd come out of your shell. You look amazing right now. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I had no idea you were so hot.”

Some of the people at the party hadn't spoken more than five words to me all through high school, but tonight everyone wanted to. There was no fear, no anxiety. Normally, being around too many people made me nervous. I liked to be in control of my environment, and people were mean and unpredictable. Tonight however, I wanted to connect with everyone there, to know about their life, what they were going to college for, why they weren't. Before I knew it the clock inched it’s way toward midnight and the party started to dwindle.

Usually, I would have to be home by eleven thirty. But, tonight, it was my rules. I was going to stay there until the sun rose, and then I would sneak out while everyone else was asleep and disappear back into the forest. No one would know where I had gone to.

By two o clock, there were only five of us left, two of which I had rarely spoken to. I always assumed we had nothing in common. I liked to stay home and read books. They liked to go out, get drunk and party. But, I realized they were all deep thinkers. All through high school I thought they were snobby because they didn't invite me to their parties, they didn't talk to me at lunch. In reality it was me who never invited them to my party (not that I ever had any, my mother would have killed me). Our philosophical discussion made me feel uncomfortable. Not because I was offended, but because was so much passion swelled inside me. I wanted to say something but I didn't have the words for it. In all my years of reading books and studying philosophies, I never developed an opinion of my own. I studied Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity, and Scientology but these were nothing but cold facts. I had the knowledge, but in that moment I understood that I didn't have the wisdom.

The people I labeled as ignorant made me feel inadequate. It was a strange mix of admiration, shame and confusion. I just wanted to step away and think for a minute. I excused myself from the party and walked to the bathroom. Justin must have followed me, because the second I came, he was waiting in the hallway.

“You look so beautiful tonight," he said.

"I always thought you were snobby, but that's what I get for assuming. You've been really cool tonight. You're actually pretty down to earth."

"Thank you," I said. My cheeks burned.

"Seriously, I was wondering if you might like to go do something with me during the summer? Maybe we could go see a movie, or go out to eat."

"Yeah," I said, "that would be awesome. It may have to wait until after next week though, things are a little crazy right now."

"Yeah," he said, "I heard you and Courtney talking earlier. You ran off on your mom huh? That takes a lot of balls Julie, I'm surprised."

"Thanks, I think."

"If you want to crash here for a few days you can. My parents are out of town on vacation. They won't be back for another week or two."

"They're going to miss your graduation?," I asked.

"I'm not walking the stage. I missed too many days this semester. It's stupid, but whatever. Graduations overrated anyways, it's boring. You just sit there while they roll call through the entire senior class. I could think of better things to do than listen to names for an hour."

“Yeah, I never really thought of it that way, but your kind of right.”

He leaned in closer, the smell of vodka filled my nose.

“We could have our own graduation party right here.”

I wasn’t really sure what to say. It sounded like fun, but it felt like trouble.

“Or, why wait. I’ve got something that’ll make you feel better.”

In his hand was a pill with a smiley face, they didn’t look like something a doctor would prescribe.

“I don’t know.”

My heart pounded. Anxiety and fear gripped me. My life was already turned upside down. My mom and I would never talk again, I was living in the forest of all places and the buzz from the beer was strong enough that I felt up for anything. I really wanted to escape, but it was going too far too fast.

“Don’t worry,” he said.

I hesitated again.

“Look, I know your not used to this sort of thing. This is a low dose. I’ll half it with you. You can’t take life too seriously or you’ll end up like my parents, or worse you’re mom.”

It was hard to argue with that.

“No thanks.”

“It’ll just make you slow down a little bit. You’ll feel the world better, be happier.”

I stared at his hand, willing myself to take it, to take a risk and stop being so scared of life.

“Never mind, I shouldn’t have offered. No hard feelings right?”

My eyes looked for the ground and my cheeks burned. He kissed me on the cheek and walked to the patio, but not before putting the pill down on the bathroom counter. His smile was sexy and mischievous.

I was so tired of analyzing everything. I swallowed the smiley face.

I Am Inanna is available for $1.99

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